Below is the 21 questions .
1. If you had to repeat the last six months of your relationship on a loop, forever, how would that make you feel?
If your answer is ‘I’d want to throw myself out the nearest window’, it’s clearly not a good sign.
No relationship is happy all of the time, so if you’ve just had a particularly rough six months, think of the six months before that.
Ideally though, the correct answer is obviously ‘Great!’
If your answer is ‘I’d want to throw myself out the nearest window’, it’s clearly not a good sign.
No relationship is happy all of the time, so if you’ve just had a particularly rough six months, think of the six months before that.
Ideally though, the correct answer is obviously ‘Great!’
2. If you could have sex on the side and be guaranteed not be caught, would you do it?
It’s totally normal to instantly think ‘Sex with someone new would be bloody lovely!’ if you’ve been together a long time.
But this should be quickly followed by ‘But I wouldn’t do it to my partner. I couldn’t look them in the eye afterwards’.
It’s totally normal to instantly think ‘Sex with someone new would be bloody lovely!’ if you’ve been together a long time.
But this should be quickly followed by ‘But I wouldn’t do it to my partner. I couldn’t look them in the eye afterwards’.
3. You might love your partner but do you actually like them?
Love is a strong, deep, powerful emotion that is based on our erotic blueprints, primal instinct, history, healthy (and unhealthy) behaviour patterns and attractiveness.
You don’t actually need to like someone to be in love with them.
Liking someone means liking their personality, admiring and respecting them, wanting to spend time with them.
If you weren’t with your partner, would you choose them as a friend?
Love is a strong, deep, powerful emotion that is based on our erotic blueprints, primal instinct, history, healthy (and unhealthy) behaviour patterns and attractiveness.
You don’t actually need to like someone to be in love with them.
Liking someone means liking their personality, admiring and respecting them, wanting to spend time with them.
If you weren’t with your partner, would you choose them as a friend?
4. Are you reasonably honest about sex?
We all have the odd dodgy fantasy we don’t care to share but if your partner had to describe what you like and don’t like in bed, would they come up with a pretty accurate picture?
We all have the odd dodgy fantasy we don’t care to share but if your partner had to describe what you like and don’t like in bed, would they come up with a pretty accurate picture?
5. Are you both happy with what’s happening sexually?
It doesn’t matter how much sex you’re having, so long as you’re both happy with what’s going on.
Some couples have low sex drives and little interest in sex - this doesn’t mean their relationship isn’t good.
So long as there’s lots of affection, sex isn’t being withheld as punishment or one partner is blamed for not wanting it, mutual agreement is more important.
It doesn’t matter how much sex you’re having, so long as you’re both happy with what’s going on.
Some couples have low sex drives and little interest in sex - this doesn’t mean their relationship isn’t good.
So long as there’s lots of affection, sex isn’t being withheld as punishment or one partner is blamed for not wanting it, mutual agreement is more important.
6. Would you choose to marry or be with your partner if you were given the choice now?
Knowing what you know now about your partner - their quirky habits, the way they cope with stress, all the luggage they come with, how they are when they’re tired, how they wake up, how they sleep, their good bits and bad – would you recommit?
If the answer is yes, you’re in good shape.
Knowing what you know now about your partner - their quirky habits, the way they cope with stress, all the luggage they come with, how they are when they’re tired, how they wake up, how they sleep, their good bits and bad – would you recommit?
If the answer is yes, you’re in good shape.
7. Do you think about your partner a lot when you’re not together?
Research shows the more often you think about your partner when you’re apart, the more in love you feel.
Research shows the more often you think about your partner when you’re apart, the more in love you feel.
8. Are you genuinely pleased for them when they achieve something or have good news?
Assume your partner’s just been given a hard won promotion.
What’s your response?
Positive responses are ‘active-constructive’ ('That’s fantastic. All that hard work paid off and I am so proud of you!') or ‘passive-constructive’ (a heartfelt smile or hug and ‘That’s brilliant news’.)
Not so good reactions: feeling jealous, lashing out ('Great. That means you’ll have even less time to spend with me and the kids’) or bringing it back to you ('Really? Well, my boss just told me I did the best presentation he’d seen’).
Assume your partner’s just been given a hard won promotion.
What’s your response?
Positive responses are ‘active-constructive’ ('That’s fantastic. All that hard work paid off and I am so proud of you!') or ‘passive-constructive’ (a heartfelt smile or hug and ‘That’s brilliant news’.)
Not so good reactions: feeling jealous, lashing out ('Great. That means you’ll have even less time to spend with me and the kids’) or bringing it back to you ('Really? Well, my boss just told me I did the best presentation he’d seen’).
9. Do you argue?
Some happy couples manage to negotiate their way through life together without ever having a cross word.
But if you care passionately about someone, they have the power to upset you by their behaviour.
If you don’t argue, it often means that one person is too scared to disagree for fear or losing the other.
The odd argument is the sign of a healthy relationship where you both feel free to speak your own mind.
Some happy couples manage to negotiate their way through life together without ever having a cross word.
But if you care passionately about someone, they have the power to upset you by their behaviour.
If you don’t argue, it often means that one person is too scared to disagree for fear or losing the other.
The odd argument is the sign of a healthy relationship where you both feel free to speak your own mind.
10. Do you recover quickly after an argument?
Sulking for days on end, feeling secretly resentful or bitter, making your partner ‘pay’ for what they’ve done, bringing up old hurts every time you argue about something new…all of these things destroy relationships.
Couples who sort out their issues completely, do what it takes to repair the damage and then drop it and move on, are the ones who last the distance.
Sulking for days on end, feeling secretly resentful or bitter, making your partner ‘pay’ for what they’ve done, bringing up old hurts every time you argue about something new…all of these things destroy relationships.
Couples who sort out their issues completely, do what it takes to repair the damage and then drop it and move on, are the ones who last the distance.
11. Are you affectionate with each other?
Kissing, hugging, snuggling up, holding hands, acknowledging your partner in public with some kind of physical touch – this is one of the most important cornerstones of connection.
Kissing, hugging, snuggling up, holding hands, acknowledging your partner in public with some kind of physical touch – this is one of the most important cornerstones of connection.
12. Do you put the relationship first?
Sure, other things sometimes need to be prioritised (work, sick parents or children, upset friends) but couples with the highest relationship satisfaction say their relationship generally takes first priority.
This also means making the time to do nice things together to make sure the relationship is nurtured and cared for.
Sure, other things sometimes need to be prioritised (work, sick parents or children, upset friends) but couples with the highest relationship satisfaction say their relationship generally takes first priority.
This also means making the time to do nice things together to make sure the relationship is nurtured and cared for.
13. How many good times do you have compared to bad times?
The healthy ratio, according to US relationship guru, John Gottman, is 5:1.
You need five good times for every one bad time to be happy.
The healthy ratio, according to US relationship guru, John Gottman, is 5:1.
You need five good times for every one bad time to be happy.
14. Do you defend your partner in public?
I’m not talking about a gentle teasing when you’re out with friends but if someone says something nasty about them, whose side are you on?
If you’re in a great relationship, your natural instinct will be to defend them against criticism.
I’m not talking about a gentle teasing when you’re out with friends but if someone says something nasty about them, whose side are you on?
If you’re in a great relationship, your natural instinct will be to defend them against criticism.
15. Do you both apologise easily?
Nothing diffuses a volatile situation faster than the words ‘I’m sorry’.
Even if you think it wasn’t your fault, you can say something like, ‘I’m so sorry you’re upset’.
Pointing the finger of blame at each other with neither prepared to back down will catapult you into the divorce courts.
Nothing diffuses a volatile situation faster than the words ‘I’m sorry’.
Even if you think it wasn’t your fault, you can say something like, ‘I’m so sorry you’re upset’.
Pointing the finger of blame at each other with neither prepared to back down will catapult you into the divorce courts.
16. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Is your relationship more about competitive point scoring than wanting the other to be happy?
This is a crucial component of happy couples: they’ll do pretty much anything to stop their partner feeling distressed.
Stubbornly sitting on your high horse and refusing to budge won’t get either of you anywhere.
Is your relationship more about competitive point scoring than wanting the other to be happy?
This is a crucial component of happy couples: they’ll do pretty much anything to stop their partner feeling distressed.
Stubbornly sitting on your high horse and refusing to budge won’t get either of you anywhere.
17. If your partner’s irritable or in a bad mood, do you automatically
go on the defensive and feel personally attacked or think about other
things that may have affected their mood?
Not feeling well, a bad night’s sleep, too much alcohol, work pressure, worry about parents, arguments with friends – all of these things affect our mood.
Not taking everything personally is a good sign.
Not feeling well, a bad night’s sleep, too much alcohol, work pressure, worry about parents, arguments with friends – all of these things affect our mood.
Not taking everything personally is a good sign.
18. Do you expect your partner to fulfill all of your needs?
However fantastic they are, no one person can satisfy all of our needs, all of the time.
Happy couples realise this and have other sources of support and stimulation like friends, hobbies, family, career etc.
However fantastic they are, no one person can satisfy all of our needs, all of the time.
Happy couples realise this and have other sources of support and stimulation like friends, hobbies, family, career etc.
19. Do you check in on a regular basis but also give each other room to breathe?
While too much space isn’t healthy (most couples check in at least once or twice a day when apart), having to check in every hour (minute, second) to soothe a partner’s insecurity does not make for happy long-term love.
While too much space isn’t healthy (most couples check in at least once or twice a day when apart), having to check in every hour (minute, second) to soothe a partner’s insecurity does not make for happy long-term love.
20. Do you have pet names for each other?
Other people might cringe, but research suggests couples that call each other by affectionate nicknames and have lots of private jokes are more bonded than those who don’t.
Other people might cringe, but research suggests couples that call each other by affectionate nicknames and have lots of private jokes are more bonded than those who don’t.
21. Do you both make an effort to get on with each other’s families?
In most cases, families are non-negotiable – they’re going to be around, no matter what.
In most cases, families are non-negotiable – they’re going to be around, no matter what.
If you don’t like your partner’s family (and they do), you can issue a ‘me or them’ ultimatum or make their life exceedingly difficult by being rude to family members.
Or you can make a pact with yourself to be warm, kind and respectful and make it work.
No prizes for guessing which is going to score you more points with your significant other!
